I've spent a lot of time over the past 10 or 11 years contemplating my death. I can't stand those people that say, "Suicide is selfish. Look at what it does to their loved ones." You, my friend, are clueless. Maybe the loved ones are selfish for expecting me to continue to endure this pain FOREVER. There is no end in sight. Being bounced around on medications that don't seem to provide any relief. Laying in my bathtub (fully clothed) screaming at the top of my lungs for SOMEONE (be it God, my hubbs, Joe Blow down the road) to take this pain away. "Make It Stop!" Pulling my hair out and banging my head against the wall. People around me (mainly my hubbs) crying because he doesn't know what to do to help me. Basically, the spiraling pit of doom is not a pleasant place to be. Oh, and an FYI - I haven't felt like this in months. I'm good now. But unfortunately those memories weren't lost with the ECT's.
I've had 2 people in my life during my "crazies" commit suicide and to tell you the truth I was heartbroken but I was also jealous. In my screwed up mind I thought they were brave. One was a coworker that hung himself and the other was my psychiatrist (yeah, I know) but I'm not sure how he did it.
I got off track there. Anyhow, contemplating suicide... I am probably the biggest wuss when it comes to pain that you will ever meet...? know...? It's a blog so more than likely you will never MEET or KNOW me. Um... You will ever hear about. OK - anyways. I'm a wuss. SO - slitting my wrists is not an option. I don't want to add to the pain I already have. Hanging. That just doesn't sound like fun. The only place I have at my home to hang myself is the tree outside and I just don't want to imagine my kids being the ones to find me. Imagine the damage that would cause! Bad enough their mom would be dead, but to find me is just not really an option. Gun shot. I don't own a gun and have never touched one. I've got no idea how they work, so do I say to a friend "Hey, you have a gun, right? You'll have to show me how to use it, but could I borrow it to commit suicide?" Haven't figured that one out. Drowning. Tried that one. Hubbs stopped me. Overdose. Now that's one I could do. In fact this last time I was admitted is because I had stock-piled over 100 klonipin and one thing led to another and - BUSTED! Um... OH! The one I would do. Sitting in a running car in the garage. I just don't have a garage. So I haven't quite figured that one out, either.
Where am I going with this post? I should say something witty at this point or something inspirational. I got nothing. This is a really depressing fucking blog. Is this going to help me in anyway. I don't know, maybe I'll just start blogging dirty jokes and stuff.
Ah... here's something:
Each of your blogs helps... not only you (hopefully you) but others who read it. I know I am getting a lot from it. I am better able to not understand! Strange though it may seem, I truly am better equiped to be confused.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if anyone one else who is bipolar or dealing with someone who is biopolar reads this, you are definitely going to be of help to them. So keep on writing! You are brilliant.
And another thing... you are so strong, I am very proud of you. I know that as close as you have come, that you are so strong that your love for the special people in your life is stronger than your pain. Which, if I have learned nothing else, is HUGE. Stay strong and even though it may not always be enogth to help - know that you are not alone... I will always feel with you and for you. When you feel pain, I am always ready to feel it with you... share it to lessen it. I love you Muggs.
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