An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Well son of a bitch.  Why didn't I think of that before?  Does an appletini count?  How about apple pie.  I guess I better stock up.

So I thought I would share with you this am some of the things I've done to treat my Bipolar Disorder.  Keep in mind that my memory sucks so I may miss some stuff.

PSYCHIATRIST- I hate doctors.  There, I said it.  I have this uncanny ability to come up with reasons why I can not go to each one, although now I am realizing that I am running out of doctors in the area.  Let's see...  They've been mean to me.  They were douche bags.  They "released" me from their care because I was "all better".  They are too far away.  I hated the office staff (that's a big one!).  OK, you are dealing with people on the verge of...  whatever they're on the verge of, and you hire assholes for the office?  What the fuck are you thinking?  Get back on track...  more reasons...  I was sleeping.  Oh, and my favorite, "I'm not feeling suicidal today so I don't need to go".

Anyhow, here is a list of the meds I've been on (in no particular order).  Not sure if it is a complete list:

Wellbutrin

Cymbalta

Lexapro

Serzone

Zoloft

Effexor

Trazodone

Clonazepam
Depakote
Diazepam
Geodon

Klonopin
Lamictal

Effexor
Lithium

Trileptal
Lorazepam
Ativan

Right now my daily meds are 150mg Effexor, 150mg Wellbutrin, 600mg Trileptal, and 100mg Trazodone.

One time I broke down to my doctor, screaming and crying that I wanted to die, bla bla bla and she said, "If you tell me that I will have to admit you.  You don't want that, do you?"  "No"  "OK, we'll up you meds.  Come back in a month".  Never went back.

PSYCHOLOGIST/THERAPIST - Never really fond of them, either.  Just a bunch of talking.  I can talk to myself and save the copay.  Journaling used to make me more upset because I would go back and read what I wrote the day before and that shit is depressing!  Exercising.  Breathing exercises.  I don't want to help myself, just fix me!  Then we get back to the fact that if I don't feel suicidal I tell them I'm doing much better.  I gotta quit doing that.

GROUP MEETINGS - Who really wants to sit in a room with a bunch of freakin psychopaths and talk about feelings?  I don't.  Truthfully, to me it felt more like a competition to see who is worse off.  I actually heard someone say to someone else "You've never been inpatient?  What are you doing here then?"

INPATIENT - That actually is not that bad.  There are not any decisions to make like what to eat, when to eat, when to take meds, if I should go to the "groups".  You are told what to do and when to do it and that seems comforting to me.  And if you think about it, it's kinda fun to watch people worse off than you freakin out.  "Man, what a fucking nut case he is!"

ECT - Electroconvulsive therapy.  There's a lot of people against this one.  When I was in the loony bin last time, we decided to go this route.  After I was discharged I went through 9 rounds of it.  You go into the hospital in the am and then you are admitted to a room.  They eventually bring you into the post-surgical recovery room (with about 10 patients in there recovering) for the procedure.  They goop up your temples and attach the thingy to your head.  You get the anesthesia and next thing you know you are waking up and being wheeled back to your room.  They monitor you for a little while then you get discharged from the hospital.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.  Most people have to go in for "maintenance" which is apparently what I need but because of all the controversy about the ECT's I'm not sure if that is going to happen.

For the 1st month or so I was the happiest person alive.  Nothing could piss me off or discourage me.  LOVED IT!  Hubbs and I were having sex every single day, usually twice a day.  Unfortunately it wore off and now all I am left with is a terrible memory, huge gaps of unexplained time, inability to subtract (I've tried to relearn it but have given up) and problems with spelling and sounding out words.  It's funny because the family was watching tv together and there was a commercial for a movie and I said, "Oh God, that looks great!  We've got to see that!"  Well, we already had, the week before.  I had absolutely no memory of it.  I watched the trailer of the movie on YouTube thinking it may jog the memory - but nothing.

Tell you what, though.  That month was great!  I would go through it all again to get another month like that.

Dang, this is going to be a long post.

GOD - Alright, I've been to churches,  healing services, revivals, laying on of hands, anointed with oil and prayer, slain in the spirit, ancestral healing, forgiveness healing, and I'm sure there are other things I'm missing but that's all I've got for now.  I always felt good during these but nothing ever seemed to "stick". 

OK - I do believe in God and I do believe in miracles.  I know of miracles that have happened in my family that could only have come from God.  I also believe that there is more to it it than expecting that God is going to heal you and then BAM, you're healed.  Not that it isn't possible, just that it doesn't usually happen that way. Some things are not meant to be.  I believe that there is a reason for everything.  There is a reason I am like this.  I just don't know what it is yet.  And I may never know.

You know what.  I'm sick of typing.  That's all I've really got for now.  And I have things to do, like drinking coffee, taking a nap and ignoring everything around me.

:):