I Hate Everyone, I Hate Everything

Yep, that pretty much sums up my day.  I'm feeling a lot better right now which is great.  Since my ECT's I am able to cycle through my lows much quicker than before.  Anyhow, I've been doing okay because I had cancelled most of my plans which means I did not have to leave the house.  This morning though I had come to the realization that I absolutely MUST go shopping.  Tomorrow is my daughter's 17th birthday and I had nothing for her.  I was completely determined to go out and not come home until I had what I needed.  A lot of times I get into a store, get overwhelmed and run out crying.  NOT THIS TIME.  I refused to do it.  I MUST COMPLETE MY TASK.

Well, it sucked.  I hated every second of it.  But I did it.

It started out with diarrhea all morning.  Around 11:30 my mother picked me up (great fucking idea) and I drove.  I know if I had gone myself I would have come home and with my mother there I couldn't show any sign of depression or she would have driven me straight to the hospital.  So first was Walmart.  I was doing great until we hit the parking lot.  I said, "tell me which aisle to go down" and of course she comes back with what part of the store we are shopping in so this is why we should park somewhere over...  "I don't need reasons, just tell me what aisle to go down!".  I'm not good at making decisions so I needed some guidance.  As soon as I got out of the car I started mumbling "I hate this.  I hate everyone.  I don't want to be here."

Into the store...  As soon as I walked in and saw all the people I started to get dizzy and adding "get the fuck out of my way" to my mumbles, but I wasn't stopping.  It is physically impossible for me to walk as slow as my mother.  I know what I need, I know where it is, I just want to get it, pay and get the fuck out of that place.  I kept turning around and having to wait for my mom.  UGH!  I'm not sure if she could see the desperation on my face but she could tell that there was no browsing at this point, and I am proud of her for not saying anything and just moving along.  That can't be easy for her of all people.  Once we got in line to leave the cashier was chatting with the people in front of us.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Don't you see us here?  Luckily another cashier opened right up and called us over to check out.

And out we go.  The parking lot was a pisser but I made it through without a panic attack.  Next stop...  the mall.  I know, I know.  Bad idea.  Well, I knew exactly what I wanted, where it was, where to park and I was ready.  Kinda.  We had to go in through JC Pennys and, again, as soon as I walked in I started getting dizzy and the mumbling started back up.  I just hauled ass through the store and stood in a corner waiting for my mom.  I did apologize for running ahead once she caught up.

Do I really need to explain this entire outing.  I don't think so.  You get the idea.  It sucked.  I hate leaving the house and being around people.  I am never leaving the house without my hubbs ever again for the rest of my life.  EVER! 

So that was it.  I came home and the family was gone up to the inlaws for birthday parties.  Yeah, if you read my previous post you'll understand that I got out of it.  hehehe  I was pretty wound up for a while.  Pacing, pulling my hair, racing thoughts, rocking - but no tears through the entire day.  That is very strange.  I finally calmed down enough to lay down and once I got up from my nap I felt much better.  I wanted to blog about it before my nap but it would have been a slew of curse words and random thought about everything I hate.

So that's it.  Nowhere to go and nothing to do.  Exactly how it should be.